The Witcher

It’s not easy keeping up with Netflix.  In fact, I can’t do it.  Here I am, finally posting about The Witcher, weeks after pictures of Henry Cavill in his Lucius Malfoy hairpiece appeared all over the Netflix user menu.  Oh well, at least the passing of time has allowed an array of discussion of this show to take place in my real life, both in the office and on the ski slopes/lifts of France, as it appears I wasn’t the only one unable to resist Cavill’s face.  When I grow up, I’m definitely going to have a jawline like that.  So let’s proceed to work out what this programme was all about, safe in the knowledge I wont be completing any new boxsets for the next few weeks while my evenings are occupied with more Love Island and another series of the wonderful Sex Education.

The first question you’ll ask yourself is this: what is a Witcher?  I can safely say, even after all the episodes I’ve watched, that I don’t really know.  I’ve been a Witcher watcher, sure, but I’m assuming it’s just a sultry man with bright white hair, unusual coloured eyes and a penchant of slaying monsters and such.  Turns out, though, that The Witcher is actually based on a series of video games.  Now, this never really bodes that well for a piece of content in the TV or film world, but it’s a fact I’m just going to ignore completely.  It’s my blog and I can do whatever I want.  Besides, I’ve never really played video games, unless you count a Gameboy I got free with my Halifax Young Person’s Account many many years ago or a misspent summer spent addicted to PC classic Rollercoaster Tycoon.

It’s the world of the Witcher that’s more interesting than its joystick-inspired origins.  Our action plays out in a mythical land called the Continent.  There are various kingdoms, a bit like Westeros, and a league of wise mages appointed to each, a bit like Westeros, as well as an array of fantastic creatures that don’t hold back in lettting you know where to find them, a bit like Westeros.  It follows, then, that The Witcher is good watching for anyone needing a Game Of Thrones fix.  (I will eventually cover this show, as soon as series one reappears on Sky).  And like that show, there is a fair amount of bonkbusting, though the nudity is mostly reserved to the female cast members.  Some might say the display of boobs is gratuitous, particularly the episode where Yennefer seems to be without a top for the majority of the time, but if you’re looking to titillate (quite literally) video games fans, then lady nipple counting is sadly par for the course.  Fans of man-mountain Cavill won’t be disappointed either, though, as he does have a few baths you can watch him doing.

It’s all good, sexy fun.  But, primary among the conversations I’ve found myself in is the slight gripe that the narrative unfolds across the eight episodes with little regard to chronology.  It’s not a spoiler to say this, but it is fun to compare among other viewers at what stage the realisation dawned that we weren’t watching our Witcher in sequence.  As such, the best viewing technique is a meditative state.  Don’t worry about what’s happening when, and just focus on it happening.  Afterwards, your brain will rearrange everything.  Similarly, the confusion can be compounded by the enormous cast of creatively named characters, not to mention the various allusions to kingdoms, geographical features, monsters, other races, spells and histories, all of which enrich the programme if you manage to resist worrying that you can’t remember what any of it is about.

The truth is, it is about stuff, and it comes closer and closer together before leaving the ending open for more Witcher watching.  Alongside our narrative around Cavill’s character (Geralt of Rivia) which gradually unpacks the questions of: who is he, why is he so grumpy, and how come he’s growling all of his lines (nobody knows), we also have Yennefer (she of sometimes no top) who suffers in all sorts of unnecessary ways while performing a crucial role in the destiny of the Continent.  And then third in are trinity of leads is Ciri, a young princess who basically runs about causing trouble (while seeming inconsistently affected by cold temperatures) and is, therefore, kind of annoying.  All are linked (surprise!) but they’re about to find out it’s not so easy doing the right thing in the Continent (this is an obscure South Park reference by the way).

Despite this rinsing, it’s a double-thumbs-up, watch-this-right-now recommendation for The Witcher.  You’ve got great production values, an imagination-rich world and mythology, a novel approach to storytelling and a decent narrative that you want to find out more about.  The world has shown a huge appetite for this kind of fantasy fare, so this is a welcome contribution to the canon.  Just like Cavill’s Witcher won’t ever be able to slay all the monsters, you won’t ever be able to watch all of Netflix.  But get this boxset completed and you’ll be in good stead for the standard office question: “Watching anything good at the moment?”