Thursday, 11 January 2018

Celebrity Big Brother


I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Borehamwood, but it’s not worth it.  I’m from a crap town myself so I can say these things.  I have, however, found myself there before, and both times it was due to Big Brother.  Can you believe that the largest commercial operation (probably) in this part of North London is the Big Brother studio?  And every January and summer it is descended upon by a raft of household names (I didn’t say ALL households), each desperately hoping to get a bit of work in showbiz by taking part in Celebrity Big Brother.


Given the show’s home has been Channel 5 since 2011, contestants’ chances of getting back on the telly after a series ends are actually higher than ever.  Hold tight for the inevitable: a heavily promoted four-episode run of Posh Former Politician And Working Class Hero Go Dog Grooming or a three-part special of Disgraced Ex-Popstar And Washed-Up Child Actor Test Lilos.

But if we go right back to 2001, we’ll find a much more tasteful approach to Celebrity Big Brother, designed to be more palatable to the broader tastes and narrower minds of middle England.  There were only six celebrities (and you had heard of them all).  It was for charity.  It was co-broadcast on Channel 4 and the BBC.  The BBC!  And it only lasted ten days.  Today’s celebrity housemates have to stick things out for up to 30 days, though lest we forget that beloved Vanessa Feltz did manage to have a breakdown in series one after only a handful of days.

Sixteen years later, it must be fair to say that it’s really only a hard core of lifelong fans still tuning in, as series 21 hits our screens on a nightly basis.  You won’t be surprised, given my love of trash TV like Bromans and Geordie Shore, that I count myself firmly among this number.  Celebrity or normal, I will take Big Brother in any guise.  With the normos, their desperation for attention drives them to be locked into the house for days on end.  But for the celebrities, it is often their desperation for attention they have had and then lost that drives them, which leads to even more compelling viewing.  It’s not even important if you’ve ever heard of them.  Whether they’re a runner up from some awful US dating show, or they were in that sitcom from the seventies that your parents remember watching, they all end up completely sucked into the highly pressured communities of tension that take shape in the house with each series.



There’s always excitement as they go in.  Who will it be?  What will they say?  Will they get booed?  Will they fall over in the rain?  Why does everyone in the crowd look a bit overweight?  I’ve taken to watching the insertion broadcast on fast forward, as it’s often incredibly awkward.  It’s the first real episode that gives you the insights on the entrances, as the overnight editing that takes place allows the important snippets to be properly sound-mixed and thus begins our journey.  Before long, you’ve forgotten all you knew and assumed about these people and it’s all about what they say and do in the house.  For me, this is perfect entertainment.  While the environment and circumstance are utterly utterly fake, the relationships and interactions become real.  It’s not a soap opera whose script has been generated by cliché bingo, it’s real people struggling to articulate themselves and control their emotions.  Drink it in!

Earlier series were won by whoever was the biggest name going in, such as Julian Clary or Ulrika Jonsson.  2014 was a particularly tough year when the two series were won by the most awful individuals: Jim Davidson and Gary Busey.  But now, with just the biggest fans still watching, it’s whoever has the most harrowing journey in the house that is rightfully rewarded.
So, let’s take a look at my favourite moments from these 21 glorious series.


Series 7 Alex Reid kick-boxes a snowman

It snowed heavily and the housemates made a snowman (see, the famous are just like us, aren’t they?).  Then Alex Reid went out and kick-boxed it into a pile of nothing, all while make weird breathing noises that proved he really knew what he was doing about martial arts.  The editing drew this out into a long segment and it took on a strangely poetic quality.  Fantastic.

Series 18 James Whale pours coffee on Stephen Bear

Bear was an absolute nightmare to live with, antagonising everyone for his own amusement.  Yet it was very gratifying to see how riled up he got right-wing slop-jock Whale.  Sinking to Bear’s level, he slowly emptied a bag of ground coffee over the lad’s head.  It escalated quickly and you could just feel the violence in the air, but Bear was somehow savvy enough to know that underreacting was his best strategy.

Series 3 Jackie Stallone enters the house

She waltzes in and is first spotted by her ex-daughter in lax, Brigitte Nielsen.  Understandably, Brigitte screams Jackie’s name in surprise, to which Jackie replies, in a broad New York accent: “Yeah, Jackie.”  Try shouting it when you next enter a room full of people and you’ll be amazed at the respect you gain.

Series 3 Kenzie is dressed as an egg

Kenzie used to be Blazin Squad, but he isn’t Marcel.  I forget the task, but Kenzie had to spend a considerable amount of time in a giant, encumbering egg costume.  He wouldn’t fit in something like that these days now he lives in a gym, but he was still a wee thing in 2005.  Lisa I’Anson was complaining about her Bo Peep costume.  Deadpan, Kenzie was heard comparing his fate, muttering under his breath about having the raw end of the deal.

Series 4 George Galloway pretends to be a cat for Rula Lenska

I don’t want to be predictable, but this cannot be beaten.  My skin still crawls at these two adults role-playing like children.  Just think about George mewing and licking himself for a moment.  Go on.  The standout moment was how he suggested it to her: “Do you want me to be… the cat?”  That pause, bookended by his Scottish brogue and the subdued volume, gave the whole scenario an air of specialist porn (that I have never seen).

Series 3 Lisa I’Anson calls John McCririck a fox

McCririck is a vile bigot, with high expectations of how women should look.  However, these expectations didn’t extend to his own body.  Undergoing a quick change in the Celebrity Big Brother bedroom, shuffling around to get some trousers on in his saggy, baggy whities, he showed the effects of his lifestyle choices.  Lisa I’Anson (who I can’t believe has come up twice in my best moments) ironically catcalled him, and, of all the words, picked “fox” in order to respond to the sight confronting her.  Cruel, but hilarious.  Sometimes, when I need cheering up, I think of this moment, and it always works.


There are many more, including Jedward, the Austin Armacost and James Hill bromance, Speidi and Kim “I wouldn't shit on you if you were on fire” Woodburn.


The current series has taken a worthier approach.  This isn’t going to be a laugh-and-point exercise at the expense of fame’s failures.  We are celebrating the year of the woman.  Such endeavours have attracted the likes of Ann Widdecombe (who refuses to have any fun) and Rachel Johnson (who I once had tea and cucumber sandwiches with at the offices of The Lady).  At first, the girls were alone, but they have since popped some men in.  So now, I am watching Ginuwine (whose song, Pony, my sister and I innocently sang along to as children) sitting on the same sofa as Ann Widdecombe.

This is the beauty of the show.  But so much for the year of the woman, this has become the year of gender: the casting has thrown together a male-identifying drag queen and a fully transitioned woman who was born a man.  Cue fascinating discourse as to whether their individual gender expressions are at odds with each other.  Hopefully nobody is surprised that men have taken over from women the conversation about women.  What is surprising however, is that this really all does happen in Borehamwood.



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