After last week, we’re continuing the theme of keeping up
with various things. Whereas my last
post was about the very British pastime of projecting the behaviour of a
superior class on one’s friends and neighbours, revealed through sitcom chaos
to be as exhausting as it is hilarious (Keeping
Up Appearances), this week I’ll be linking that nineties sitcom with the
very LA pastime of being a Kardashian, this time projecting the behaviour of a
superior class not just on one’s own friends and neighbours, but on the whole
world.
Now, you may have asked yourself at various points who or what
a Kardashian is. I have to admit I don’t
really recall how and when they came into my consciousness, let alone that of
the planet’s. In isolation, a Kardashian
sounds like some sort of medical mishap named after an obscure gynaecologist:
“Oh dear, she’s got Kardashians again.”
In fact, for those that don’t know, the Kardashians are a family that is
also a series of products. I’ve paused
here to see how I can succinctly explain how they all fit together, but I’m
going to have to do it in long form. We
come to know these products, sorry, family members over something like
forty-two series of their reality TV show, plus an array of spin-offs. I’m not actually a willing viewer of any of
this. Sure, it ticks a lot of my
boxes. Trashy? Yes.
Reality TV? Most definitely. The real world filtered to look better than
it actually is? Absolutely. But there’s a hollow ringing to its message
that makes each minute seem like time that could be better spent doing
something else: watching You’ve Been Framed,
for example, or thinking fondly of childhood memories. So, let’s meet the Kardashians we are trying
to keep up with:
Kris
Jenner
Our matriarch styles herself as the momager, a title that’s
as apt as it is sinister. Her shrewd
skills at self-promotion have seen her many progeny foisted into the spotlight
for their earning potential. It feels a
bit wrong, but she’s very good at it, so we have at least unearthed some
semblance of talent behind the worldwide fame.
She’s a loose cannon who thrills at embarrassing her children – you
can’t miss her fun-loving attitude, even beneath several strata of expensive
make up.
Kourtney
Kardashian
The eldest sister, but the second-best wit. She wins for being first to reproduce, with
her most scathing stare reserved for ex-husband Scott Disick, who enjoys
himself far too much throughout the whole show.
Kim
Kardashian West
The internet requires nothing further to be said about this
person.
Khloé
Kardashian
The wittiest sister: Khloé has the best personality and is
therefore the most attractive within a family that is already inordinately
appearance conscious. Her lines alone
almost make the show worth watching, but you can actually scroll through
endless gifs of them in various Buzzfeed
listicles instead.
There are some younger half-sisters whose names also begin
with K. I have trouble distinguishing
them but it doesn’t matter as both/either are wildly more successful than I
will ever be.
Rob
Kardashian
Yes, there’s a brother as well, but they couldn’t think of a
name beginning with K for him, so this has caused him to spiral into obesity
and obscurity.
Caitlyn
Jenner
Before transitioning to live as a woman, this was Kris’s
husband and the father of the two youngest daughters, with the elder siblings’
father, Robert
Kardashian (the lawyer off the OJ trials) having passed away. Divorcing Kris with mixed results, Caitlyn
can now hair-flick with the rest of the Kardashians, though has faced as much
criticism as praise since coming out as trans.
I’ve always found this individual wooden and boring, regardless of
gender, so if that doesn’t make me a trans ally, I don’t know what does.
Anyway, that’s enough slagging off of real people. There are also various babies and hangers
on. One pal, Jonathan Cheban, only
got his spot on UK Celebrity Big Brother
purely through dint of being Kim’s friend.
What an achievement. Though I
suppose Kim only got famous in the first place for being a chum of Paris Hilton. Allegedly the whole concept of the show was
conceived in partnership with Ryan Seacrest, but I
can’t hear that name anymore without thinking of the Bojack Horseman character of A Ryan Seacrest
Type so we’ll get straight into my other reasons for finding life too short to
watch Keeping Up With The
Kardashians.
While there is humour and drama, and plenty of escapism in
this guilty pleasure, it’s their self-obsession that sees me itching to switch
the station. It’s hard to identify with
people so privileged who still find so much to moan about, either in their
soft-focus, flatteringly lit pieces to camera, or during the constant staged
conversations in various expensive kitchens where everyone stands between the
units pretending to eat food while never letting their smartphones out of their
clutches, probably because another family member is on speakerphone. While watching them jetting around the world,
enjoying sumptuous meals out, splurging on jewellery, clothes and skin creams,
the girls harp on about their anxieties and the resentment they harbour for
each other. They complain about their
lack of privacy, which is delicious when you consider the camera crew has been
invited into their private life (and I won’t even dignify Kim’s sex tape with a
mention. Oh. Whoops.)
Rarely does the outside world get a mention, or do they prioritise using
their platform for greater social good.
This was perfectly encapsulated by the 2017 fallout of
Kendall Jenner’s appearance in a controversial Pepsi ad that indicated a
carbonated sugary beverage could solve America’s entrenched racial
inequality. The episode was filled with
Kardashians sympathising with their billionaire sibling, lamenting how hard she
had worked only for people to be nasty about her on social media. The real issue of a society that seems
culturally prejudiced against people of colour was not mentioned.
So what is this show’s appeal? An old flatmate used to watch it religiously,
and it was only after a few viewings that I realised this wasn’t ironic
consumption: she really did love the girls.
They sell, through their show and their social platforms, a lifestyle
that is aspirational. By being voyeurs
to their TV-produced storylines, that lifestyle becomes tantalisingly close to
reach. This is what drives the
capitalist minion in all of us. Skipping
down the street with a takeaway blended might make you feel like some Hollywood
A-lister, but you’re really just a few quid worse off, consuming calories you
don’t need and generating plastic waste that will end up in Our Planet.
And you still live in Leatherhead.
As a family, the Kardashians are winning at sweating their
assets and their asses to make cash.
They are swept up in their own hype, but we needn’t be. There’s not much to keep up with besides a
lot of spending, some drama and only thinking about yourself. I don’t know why I feel so aggrieved that
they don’t use their fame for more good – they’re not the only celebrities
setting questionable examples. Just look
at British right-wing politicians. I
think it’s because I am so aware of their influence on a generation of girls needing
more support and sustenance than unrealistic expectations and unfair comparisons. I have a way to prevent the Kardashians ever
getting a hold of me: I just think of the Big Fat Gypsy Kardashians
from the Keith
Lemon Sketch Show. They’ve got the
biggest caravan on the site, so they do.
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